Hey there Timmy, are you looking to become yet another unique snowflake in the social pariah world? Then Freelance writing could be for you. But what’s “Freelance writing?” the NSA hears you thinking, well Timmy, it’s the act of being paid for force feeding your opinions to the brainless masses of the internet. So make haste and unleash words of war Timmy, it’s time to shake off the shackles of cubicle based oppression and go it alone…. just like everyone else!

The importance of finding your own voice.

Now “working” in your bathrobe isn’t normal, but as a freelance writer it is! It’s the uniform of none conformity. Now thankfully because it’s a uniform – we all ware one! so no need to feel shy or worry about what other people think and just keep doing your own thing – along with everybody else on the internet! It’s a triumph of uniqueness Timmy.

Now that you have your cult robe on it’s time to sit back and “create” some “original” content. Now hold up there Timmy, that 3000 word article on the manufacturing process of Swiss cheese looks a little too original! Now what’s the point in breaking free of The Man, if you’re only going to fall back into old routines of being forced to do things, like using your brain to fully research and understand your work?. Remember Timmy you’ve already done the hard part by choosing to become a member of the digital revolution, so leave useless things like “logical thinking” and “constructive writing practices” at the door you square. Googling somebody else’s work is the cruise control of the new wave little Tim, so why waste time creating your own work – when you can simply alter somebody else’s just enough to pass copy filters?

Face to face with a client can really help with pitch, flow of ideas and what the client wants from the article.

What’s that Tim? It’s been a hard day sitting around making money off other peoples work? Well you’re in luck! Thanks to face rolling your way across the keyboard into the new digital wave, you, can now enter the mythical “trendy coffee shop” without feeling like your every movement is being judged. See Timmy, sipping on a latte while bouncing your greasy fingers off a laptops keyboard isn’t just a luxury to remind our friends and family what they suspected all along; freelancing isn’t like a “real” job. It’s the law, a law that states all freelance writers must spend at least 10 hours a week in a Starbucks/Tim Hortons/ [insert your choice of inferior coffee house here] “working” and most defiantly not building social contacts to expand your potential customer base. After all, who actually talks to “people” in 2014? HA!

Social media really can help boost your client base and visibility.

Hey Timster! Did you see that currently trending link to that thing people currently like? No? Well you would have, if you stopped growing your portfolio and got on twitter! Because freelance writers simply lay around a place of dwelling all day and money just appears from the internet (it’s fantastic) we can spend hours upon hours “socially networking” and claim it’s important. Which it is, for trading links to cat pictures, you see Timmy since the rise of bitcoin – cat pictures have become a form of currency to freelance writers, as such whenever somebody offers you work but they don’t want to actually pay you, it’s fine because you can use all those cat picture links as a source of food.

Never under sell your own value, however the benefits of a steady(ish) income shouldn’t be ignored.

My, what do you have their Timmy? Oh dear lord no that’s a “content farm” Timmy! Quickly kill it with fire! …..That was close. “But what’s a content farm? #timsterconfused” I see you asking on twitter, a content farm is a vile hive of scum and pure evil. It’s a place that will pay you to create content but not enough, As such the people who actually write for these places must be sick, so clearly the best thing for the rest of us to do, is to complain about them all over the internet, yes. Because remember Tim, if that big company you pitched your half pirated article at doesn’t pay up that 1k, the system is broken and definitely not because they have no idea who you are.

Remember: if nothing is being sold, YOU are the product.

Looking good Tim, it’s 4pm and you’ve got your bathrobe on, you’ve drunk half a bottle of whisky, become a social pariah and been totally unproductive all week. In other words, you’ve made it! But you’re still short of reaching the freelance writing epoch, look around the coffee house you passed out in Tim, see the soulless thousand yard stare of some of your fellow writers? Those people have been exposed to “ghost writing” and that soulless stare, is what your missing Timster. You see Tim, freelance writers just LOVE to write stories with the promise of money, but you know what they love more? Writing other peoples stories – with the likelihood of NO money! Whilst writing other people’s stories can be completely soul crushing, it’s only after you’ve been burnt on a royalties deal will your passage to the “DarkSide” be complete.

You must take full responsibility of every aspect of your business, from clients to tax.

Well Tim, your dim, soulless eyes tell me your almost there. You’re just missing one crucial thing to complete your transformation from cubicle dweller to freelance writing internet wizard. When you freelance, things like deadlines, responsibilities and a steady income – are things that happen to other people. As such it’s important to make a good impression, even when writing – so that first sentence IS the most important thing you’ll ever write for an article. It’s so important you should forget meeting any arbitrary measurements of time like “deadlines” and not write till you have the PERFECT opening, if people complain – it’s because they just don’t understand the creative processes. You, have become an artist of the word, a digital renaissance man. Let nothing stop you Tim, not the disappointed look in your friends and families’ eyes, or the fact you’re now homeless due to never building contacts, workloads, portfolio or any real business plan.



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